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Lone_STARGAZER
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Name: D - O -
Country: United States
State: of CONFUSION!!
Birthday: 12/8/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: drawing . ART . music . I <3 Hawaii (I miss home!) . taking random pictures . stargazing . daydreaming . thinking too much . graphic designs / digital art . color green . having my guitar collect dust . tattoos . movies . sleeping . walking around aimlessly while music plays in my ears . checkered prints . Junko Mizuno . blah blah blah...
Expertise: I'm a pro at having people rip my heart out. Ripping out other peoples hearts and having it for breakfast. I'm a vessel in distress that has been overtaken by a dozen of personality disorders. SOS. Believe it or not, I make people laugh and I can be really sarcastic. Piss me off and hear the hurtful words start flying and watch the bitchiness roll off me. I stick my foot in my mouth from time to time and because of this, I've learned to appologize for the things I didn't mean to say. Lesson learned: Think before you speak, and watch what you say... it's not fun hurting the feelings of someone you care about and having them hurt your feelings in return. BUT REALLY, I'M ACTUALLY A NICE PERSON, WHO HAPPENS TO BE A BIT TROUBLED AND EMOTIONALLY&MENTALLY DISTRESSED.
I'm a professional slacker when it comes to replying to my MySpace.com mail. Click on the link to check out my profile:
MySpace.com mail slacker
Message: message me
AIM:  loneSTARGAZER81
Member Since:
7/1/2002
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| Lame quiz! haha. Anyways, I'm cool because I'm uncool! It's kind of funny, when people who hardly know me tell me that I'm cool. Yeah, keep the compliments coming people. But you know, it's sad when I see people who try so hard to be cool and act like someone they're aren't.
Are you cool of are you a square?
Me, I always thought that very different from everyone else. I actually didn't think that was such a plus point when I was back in elementary school. Oh goodness, I remember being in the 6th through 8th grade trying to fit in. I just moved and I figured this would be a good way to start off brand new. Yeah, I did give into conformity, but not the kind of conformity where I wanted to be like everyone else, I guess I just felt like I wanted to be excepted. Anyways, who cares... I was such a loner (even though I did hang out with friends). You know, even though I wanted to fit in, I never did like looking like everyone else... I wanted to be that person who was part of a crowd, but stood out in her own way. I wanted to stand apart from all the random, typical faces.
Well, now I've know come to realize: I was always this kid that was different, whether I liked it or not and I was always be that kid. Yeah, I was cool way beyond my years. haha. I'm full of it aren't I? *sticks tongue out and makes a face* There's this quote that I like: "Everyone wants to be normal, but nobody wants to be average." Isn't that true.
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| [ current mood :  empty ]
I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know who I am anymore. This isn't the first time that I've felt like this. These have been recurring feelings and moods of mine that I've been dealing with for several years now. The difference is that I used to do a better job at keeping all of this to myself... where I'd pathetically continue to act like things were fine and dandy, even though they were far from it.
The intervals between these high and low points used to be farther apart, but lately, it's gotten closer and closer together. In the past couple of months, I don't ever remember feeling so awful. It's like things are getting worse and I'm just doing a terrible job at trying to cope with all of this. It's like that saying that goes something like "Things will begin to get worse before they get any better." *sigh* Sad thing is, I don't think this is the worse of it... it feels like it's just beginning and I'm afraid of what's instored for me.
A few weeks ago, as I was thinking, I compared myself to one of those Jack-in-the-Box toys: Here's a box that is very colorful and decorated on the outside, seemingly fun and playful. You want to know what's inside, but are unable to pry open the lid with your bare hands. It's as if this box does not want to be opened. You then discover a protruding twisted handle coming out from one of the sides. Curiousity calls to you. As you turn the handle, you hear some delightfully sounding music coming from within the box. This tempts you to turn the handle faster and faster. Your eyes open wide and you wait in anticipation, waiting for the moment when that lid will open. And then all of a sudden, to your surprise, a head with a gleeful look on it's face springs out. It's as if this face laughs at the fact it nearly scared you to death.
Ok, so that was my take on what a Jack-in-the box toy is. Now the part that I compare myself to, is the fact that I've repeatedly pushed down these awful feelings and moods of mine deeper and deeper within myself. Foolishly thinking that if I buried them deep enough, that they'd magically disappear. That if I didn't think about such things, that I could go on parading around like I didn't have a worry in the world. Eventually, "it" makes its way back to the surface and this black cloud looms over me once again, but this time, it's larger and stronger. No matter how much I continue to push "it" deeper inside of me, "it" finds its way back out. It's like a fucking cockaroach that will never die... it's like you try to kill those disgustingly crawly suckers, but they they just come back stronger and in larger packs!
Anyways, I took this online self-assessment test, Prozac.com - Zung Assessment Tool. It had asked me to do the following: For each statement, select the response that best corresponds to how often you have felt that way in the last 2 weeks. I answered them as honestly and truthfully as I could and when I clicked on the "Get Your Score" button, it told me You socred a 67. If you score 50 or higher consider printing the results of your test to show your doctor. You know, I remember being 12 and knowing then that I needed to seek psychological help.
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| [ current mood :  melancholy ]
DEATH WOULD BE THE EASY WAY OUT!
... and we don't want the easy way out, right ??????!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* MySpace blogs | | |
| [ current mood :  annoyed ]
I'm miserable here in California. My having to move back here was not my decision, in a way, it was a last resort. It was part of the deal my parents and I made... leaving Hawaii and moving back to California after high school. And well, I was going through a lot of bullshit and I guess, I could no longer deal with it, so I had to leave. Yeah, I ran away from my problems!
So technically, less than 25% of the choice in moving back to California was my own decision. Yes, that means +75% was out of my own control.
Fuckit, I hate this! I don't want to be here anymore! I'd give anything to leave here for a little while... being here and "alone" is drivng me to the brink of insanity. I'm starting to feel emptier and emptier inside.
My being back in Hawaii every summer brought me a few months of so-called happiness... a happiness barely even comparable to anything I've felt here in California. It's strange, but being in Hawaii brings some sanity and clarity to my head and my heart.
I HAVE LOST MYSELF AND
I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!
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| [ current mood : blank ]
Where the tears and cries come to a close... a mind numbingly empty feeling begins to unfold.
I have lost myself in a place that has become far too familiar, a cycle that will never end.
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Once again, I have been consumed by my darkness and gloom. This black hole pulls me further and further inside. I am trapped and there is no escaping it. I cry for help, but it is pointless. There isn't a soul around to hear me or help me. I am alone. I am alone in a place that will become my death. A place that will eat me alive from the inside out. My mind, body, heart and soul have grown weak and lost the strength and the determination they once were overwhelmingly filled with. Emptiness now quickly cloaks itself over my desolate body. I no longer feel anything. I am dead inside.
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I need someone to remind me that PROMISES SHOULDN'T BE BROKEN. I don't want to break the promise that I made to my friends, Cher and Allan, but right now I need to feel something, even if this something means causing damage in the form of pain. I am not in the right state of mind and I haven't been for years. I am fighting a battle against myself.
repeats to herself: I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE. I WILL NOT BREAK A PROMISE...
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